


Hole In The Ground

by negativenancy



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Boyfriends, Death, Depression, Emotional, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Freeform, Gay Josh, Gay Tyler, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Phun Intended, No Sex, No Smut, Relationship(s), Sad, Sad Tyler, Self-Harm, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Notes, Triggers, hole in the ground, i guess, im sorry, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 11:52:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6802687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/negativenancy/pseuds/negativenancy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i never thought i would meet somebody with such kindness and sincerity, someone with a heart so gentle and forgiving.<br/>i found it in josh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hole In The Ground

**Author's Note:**

> hiiii :D this is my first work on here aND my first joshler/tøp fic so pls tell me if it sucks (it probs does)
> 
> song: "hole in the ground" by tyler joseph
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS  
> -self harm  
> -suicide  
> -depressing thoughts & anxiety
> 
> in addition to this, i have no first hand knowledge of the sensitive material above and i didnt want to offend anybody by unintentionally perceiving it in a different way. i apologise profusely if my description is inaccurate or romanticised and therefore offends/upsets anybody however i tried my hardest to make sure it wasnt.   
> that's basically a summary bc its super sad and generally a suicide note so warnings beforehand are important.  
> if anyone ever wants somebody to talk to, especially someone without face to face contact or doesnt personally know you etc. im always here so please, please stay safe |-/
> 
> otherwise, please enjoy!! feedback is always great so dont hesitate to comment and whatnot :D
> 
> ruby xo

you always kept me steady when i was weak and you were the tight hands gripping under my armpits as i fell to the ground. 

you were always, always there. you always encouraged me to smile, be confident, push past it, fight it. i tried so hard josh, tremendously hard. 

it's almost august, and i know the end is near but i still have some time left. i plan on spending it with you. 

i recall the day you told me you loved me for the first time. you looked down immediately and began stumbling over your words but it didnt matter because everything seemed hazy except the three words you spoke. i recall the blush rising up your cheeks as i spoke them back. these memories are yours to keep josh, i won't have them for much longer. so please, treasure them for me. 

come september, they'll all be yours, josh. the world will be yours. 

i try so hard to fly but my heart wont go very far, no. i always tried to put on my best smile and i went everywhere you asked, i wanted to, i really did. i struggled sometimes, to keep up, and its becoming clear now. i dont know whether my heart won't let me be by your side or whether it's my mind that's pulling me away from you. 

i remember when you found me lying on the floor between the bathroom and the bedroom for the first time, ribs pressed into the bottom of the doorframe. i remember the expression on your face, the tears that formed in a split-second, and the speed at which you came to me. my hands looked as if they were bleeding, pleading the attention away from the raw wrists, and the soft cloth removed the familiar shade from my skin as you fixed me again. 

my heart won't go very far, and my own two hands will start bleeding again.  
this time i hope that you won't be there to see me, fix me, hold me. i know you'll hate me for this, but keep holding on and it'll be okay again. 

each day when i woke up, the morning sun would remind me of a new start and i would begin to retrace the path where i went wrong. i aimed to fix it and start over each day. i planned new routes and mapped out new roads to take and i prayed you'd travel them with me.  
you always did. 

these roads led to thoughts i didn't recognise and voices that were unfamiliar. they were faceless illusions that passed themselves off as normal solutions to my own minds wrath. it is a perfectly normal solution, they told me to recite. you said you heard me talking in my sleep sometimes and you'd never repeat what you heard. i wonder if it was me speaking those same words. 

i try to cover up who i have become but you make it so hard for me to do so. while everything turns blurry and faded, you wipe aside the frost behind my eyes and i see clearly again. my heart turns cold so i don't have to see clear again because the clarity is the truth and the truth is the haunting in my thoughts. 

please josh, i can't do this anymore - my memories of you are drowning under my minds own force and i don't want to hold you down anymore. you tried so hard but my heart couldn't go as far, i couldn't keep on this way. 

forget about me, because my presence causes pain. dont forget our memories though, i'll hand mine over to you and hope you won't do the same. 

the disguise i have formed is breaking me and taking me to a new land. stay here josh, it won't get much better. 

i know, come september, you'll want to try and save me, but you can't. the vision in my mind tells me im not fit for living and this decision wasn't mine to decide.  
i'm being pulled under and the hands are pushing further but i refuse to take you under with me. 

i'll remember you. i'll remember your eyes opening each morning, i'll remember the shapes of the lines that formed as you smile. i'll remember the clothes that you wore, the love that you gave. i'll remember the way you smelt in the summer, and in the winter. i'll remember the way you held your mugs of coffee, and the way you spoke to young children. i'll remember your favourite features of the sky, and i hope i'll be one of them soon. 

you still seem so far, even when im holding you at night. we lay outside and seem to look past the stars and past my heart, it can wait a while. 

when i woke up shaking and sweating, you sung me back to sleep. 

i can almost feel you now and i begin to close my eyes. i start to sing a song, it never sounded as good as you. i sing out the voices in my head and i'll sing to you instead. i will keep singing because im wrong and i know the voices will carry on. 

i felt alone at times, and i selfishly pitied myself, and i hated you when you were gone. even though i knew you were always besides me. i thought you didn't understand and that you didn't care anymore. i was so wrong, josh. i will keep singing because im wrong, you were always right next to me and my mind is taking over again, mixing up right and wrong. the voices in my head will sneer "you were singing with me all along". 

i try to stop my head but my options are limited and the worst one stands out. i know you'll be disappointed in me so that's why you're finding out now. 

do not be alarmed, i told you that my heart couldn't stay much longer, and do not be afraid if i am taken by the sun. 

the floor that you once found me on is where i find myself now, and i've left you stains on this paper that cotton won't take out. i knew my own two hands would be the death of me, and now there's no time to stop the bleeding as they're bleeding out the poison of my mind. 

do not dwell, as the sun will rise above us, and the morning will surround. you must take another path again and form a new disguise. i'll always love you, keep that in mind. 

don't be afraid, josh, if you've read up to here and hope i'm still alive. the truth is against us, and it swallowed me up inside. don't let it do the same to you, please fight it out. now that september is here, and my heart has broken down, gather all our memories and allow me to be lowered to a hole in the ground.


End file.
